Subtitles by JoeShmoe
[Guy Narrating] I'm not that good at a lot of stuff.
Especially thinking things through.
And that's why this plan was so shitty.
But my feelings were hurt...
and I'm glad I at least did something about it.
Making bad decisions is nothing new to me.
After all I live alone, at 40...
and I make my living proofreading...
product warranties.
A few weeks ago I took a break from that however...
so I could do this whole thing.
And it's pretty ironic that what I did...
was exactly what a child would do.
I threw a tantrum just to get attention.
[Parent at bee] Really proud.
I mean I am...
and excited.
Meet the big man, right.
But...
you know, proud either way, of course.
Aren't they amazing?
- Which ones yours? Mine's the... - No thank you!
What's that?
This chat, I'm all set.
Just trying to get some food in my face before I get stuck on that stage, okay?!
Oh, right, my bad. You must be our host for today.
No, I'm not.
I'm the winner!
Everyone, it's time for the 15th annual regional spelling bee to begin.
Take your seats please all of our noble contestants.
Please take your seats up on the stage.
Right on schedule.
I love the way a hush comes over the crowd before we start.
What are you doing up on the stage weirdo?!
Your chair called me for help.
Help me.
He's too heavy.
You didn't hear that? I heard it.
I'm sorry sir.
Those seats are for competitors only.
Great! I'm in the right spot.
Mr. Trilby, I won't allow it. You're not eligible in any fashion...
way, shape or manner.
Page 39 of the Golden Quill National Spelling Bee rule book.
This is rule number 24, this is sub point B.
This is a quote...
Speller must not have passed beyond the 8th grade...
on or before February 1st, 2011.
That is a rule written by the governing institute...
and if you want you can continue to ogle my transcript...
just please don't wrinkle it any further...
but you can see that unfortunately...
I have not passed the 8th grade on or before Feb. 1st. Not ever.
- That may be. - Sir I can go on...
I can go on and on and on. There are 83 paragraphs, 581 lines of rules...
in the rulebook. But let me assure you I'm compliant with every single one of them.
The spelling bee, isn't it for kids...
not adults that couldn't even graduate 8th grade!
Oh boy. Are we passed the rules and into the insults now...
- is it insult time... - Well I'm sorry.
...because your pot-holder vest is about to take heavy fire. You ready for that?
You know what, enough!
This is all just a moot point.
Every contestant must be sponsored by...
a nationally recognized news service.
The end!
I understand, but that doesn't end the conversation...
- Guess what. - [Jenny] Hello.
- Hey. - Perfect timing.
- What's going on here? - Well...
- Who's this? - This is my sponsor.
From a nationally recognized news service.
Jenny Widgeon, the Click and Scroll.
The What?!
What's that? Is it something on the computer?
Yes we're an online paper.
Said differently, a nationally recognized news service.
They don't want to let me participate.
Go ahead, set it in motion. I love your vest.
In about a half an hour, you're gonna be receiving...
a temporary restraining order and...
a preliminary injunction prohibiting...
the continuation of this competition...
until we clear this legal matter up!
- Plus, and this is a selfish one for me... - Legal matter?!
- It's gonna make one hell of a story. - How dare you try to hijack...
this spelling bee contest!
What did you call me?!
- Hijack! - Hijack? I'm a hijacker now?
You're on the hook for defamation too.
My attorney's will be in touch with both of you...
Let's get out of here. But before we go actually...
I'd like to watch the both of you address those poor wonderful children...
and their very supportive parents, when you tell them...
that they have no shot at the national bee...
or an opportunity to meet the big man.
That I want to see. They're going to be crestfallen.
I know of one father in particular who's gonna have to find...
a whole new way to empty out his ball bag.
Let's do it. Bullies and insulters first. You lead the way.
Or should I go first?
The idiot hijacker. Should I lead?
- You lead. - No one called you an idiot.
While you decide I'm gonna bang out a couple of prayers.
Which way is Mecca?
Oleaginous.
Oleaginous?
Oleaginous!
Oleaginous?
Can I have the definition please?
Having the nature or quality of oil...
or...
unctuous, prawning, smarmy.
Oleaginous.
Does it come from the Latin Oleo meaning olive?
It does.
Oleaginous.
Can I have the part of speech?
It's an adjective.
Am I right?
Yes.
- Any other pronunciations? - No!
Oleaginous.
O-L-E-A-G-I-N-O-U-S.
- That is correct! - [Guy] You got it!
Hi.
Absquatulate.
A-B-S-Q-U-A-T-U-L-A-T-E
That's...
Correct!
- Correct. - Thank you.
Hey moms, let's break out the rubber pillowcases tonight...
little pricks are gonna be counting tears, not sheep.
Who's next!
BAD WORDS
Not now, please.
- Guy, I need some more. - No!
- Why at the age of 40... - C'mon.
...have you decided to annoy educators, parents and children...
by forcing your way into a kids spelling bee?
Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?!
Guy, I get at least one answer per tournament.
I have 3, very paltry answers...
it's time for my 4th.
[Guy] Shh.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
While I'm gone I want you to ask yourself this...
will, when all of this is over, a 5 answer article...
be equal compensation for 8 weeks...
of covered hotel room accommodations...
qualifying tournament entry fees...
rental car damage, not to mention emotional expense.
- Are you not gonna get up?! - What? Go you got room.
- Jesus... Christ! - If you'd given me the window...
- I wouldn't have to move. - Yeah.
- Don't drag that thing across me! - Excuse me.
It's full. You just told me it's full. I don't want it on me.
Hi, I'm Chaitanya Chopra.
Was that English?
My name is Chaitanya.
Oh.
Congratulations.
- What's yours? - No!
- What's your name? - Spin it around!
- I'm going to Quill. - Good for you.
My dad's up in first class.
- Great. - My dad says that economy class...
- builds character. - Amazing.
I was in last years tournament.
I overheard you say you're going too.
You're the one who's competing, huh?
I read about you. What was the winning word?
I don't know.
What was the word you spelled to win your regional?
- To get here. - I don't fucking remember!
Do you see my eyes closed?!
Mine was intelligentsia.
- Awesome. - C'mon, try.
How could you forget. It's such a special word.
It was auto-fellatio. Okay?
- I never heard of that word. - Yeah.
What is the origin?
Loneliness.
Well, that can't be right!
It is.
I know "auto" is of Greek origin meaning self, right?
Fellatio, fellatio, fellatio...
Is that derived from the Latin "fellare" meaning to suck?
Little man...
the woman I'm sitting next to...
knows her way around that subject real well...
so why don't you ask her when she gets back from dropping her deuce...
Meanwhile, if you don't point that curry hole...
that way and sit your fucking ass down in that seat...
I'm gonna tell the captain that your bags ticking.
Think you'll have a situation.
Goodnight.
Have a seat.
I'm Bernice Deagan...
director of the Golden Quill national spelling bee.
Struthious.
What'd she say?
S-T-R-U-T-H-I-O-U-S, struthious.
That was my winning word.
Oh.
1973, national champion.
Just thought you should know that in case you didn't already.
No I didn't.
Guy...
I don't like you.
- [Jenny] Look. - Quiet!
You know when I was a little girl...
I was always picked last in PE.
I hated sports.
That's what probably, thankfully...
thrusted me into the welcoming bosom of the spelling bee...
of which I am the director and have been for over 20 years now.
How did I accomplish that?
Elbow grease, yes, hard work, maybe...
integrity, oh you betcha.
But what I didn't do is use slimy gimmicks as you have done.
Well you don't know me and you don't know why I'm here.
Would you like to tell me?
No thank you.
Do you know why he's here?
Oh, I have been trying for weeks.
Alright.
Well whatever issue it is you're here to work out...
perhaps painful 5th grade spelling bee or...
It's not that.
I'm not asking!
I'm simply telling you you're in the wrong place.
No this is the spot.
I'm gonna be out of your hair in 3 days though.
Perhaps sooner.
Because however smart you think you are with this loophole your snaking through...
I'll bet you're not half as smart as even our worst speller.
So B-R-A-V-O Mr. Trilby.
You've made it.
That one I know. It's bravo.
All the way to your own hanging.
Your noose. Enjoy.
Can I ask you a question?
On your wife’s birthday, does she get to wear the strap-on...
or do you hog that thing 365?
- That's yours right. You hold onto that. - Good day!
- You don't share that with anybody. - Good day!
- I thank you very much. - Oh you can thank Dr. Bowman.
He was very disappointed he couldn't personally place that...
around your throat.
Oh yeah. Is he busy doing something more pleasurable...
with another guy's throat?
He is in the middle of a very important media training session.
Surely you're aware that your little stunt has landed...
on the very first year we're televising this tournament!
Hang on...
That is a coincidence.
It doesn't bother you that...
a few million people will witness your embarrassment?
I'm not gonna be the one with the red face. Trust me.
I'm not here for that.
Okay.
See you later.
Oh, and I personally arranged your hotel accommodations.
- I bet they're not awesome. - They're not!
Nice to meet you.
[Guy narrating] I had plenty of opportunities to stop what I was doing.
To make a good decision.
But that would have required the kind of lessons I was never taught.
Oh, um, there's an ice-cream social at 5:30pm.
You gonna be there?
Ok, no, well...
I could be pretty late to that.
Really late.
Super late!
Meet me there though.
- Here's your key Mr. Trible. - Thank you.
- Ma’am, I'll be right back with yours. - Oh, bummer.
See ya.
[Chaitanya] Hold the door!
Hey, pool side too.
Did you remember your winning word?
I'm Chaitanya, remember?
I can't do it again, Shwarma.
Chaitanya.
How about just your favorite word.
I'm serious pal.
- You don't have one? - I don't. Nope, sorry.
Mine is subjugate.
It just sounds so cool, you know.
Subjugate.
What's yours?
Can we shut the fuck up?!
Well, that's four words. A sentence really.
Pretend you're on a desert island...
and this gorilla comes out of the jungle...
he holds a gun to your head and says...
hoo hoo, tell me what your favorite word is.
- What would you say? - Sweet fuck!
- We got a gorilla with a gun! - Yeah a gorilla with a gun.
- And he's on a desert island? - He's standing right there.
Here's what I'd do. I'd kick some sand in the monkey's face...
I'd take his gun and hunt you down...
I'd stick it in your mouth and I'd tell you...
to stop trying to get all up in my kitchen, kid.
Again, that's a sentence. We can finish that later.
Bye bye.
Come on.
Unfortunately the hotel is completely sold out.
I don't have a bathroom.
Yeah.
Where would the hotel like me to put my piss and shit?
[Sportscaster on tv describing event]
- Bartender. - Yes?
Do you know how to make an old fashioned?
- Sure. - Okay.
Actually make that two.
No mini-bar huh?
They put me in a storage closet.
I think the queen bee is sending you a message.
Whatever.
Oh, god.
A lot of parents around here.
I'm bursting at the seems with parents.
[Bartender] Here you go.
- Where are your parents? - Jenny, c'mon.
I just wanna have a drink in peace.
Okay? And can I give you a little journalistic advice?
Don't try so hard.
Get on the clock. We're here 3 days.
So just, you know...
Difficult to talk when you're being smothered.
You're an insolent child.
Hiding secrets from his mommy.
Really, you're not half the broad my mother was, so...
or is.
Seat opened up.
I don't wanna talk and I don't wanna drink I'm dead serious.
Either you leave or I'm going to.
Or you could stay. I could buy you yet another dinner.
No!
You could expand on those 3 measely answers that you've given me this far.
You know too much already.
Hold on a second.
Wild turkey. Olive green. 32A.
Favorite drink, color and breast size, are first date questions.
Or maybe you've never been on one of those?
Can you leave me alone.
I've asked you like 4 or 5 times.
Why don't you tell me why you're so angry with the world.
Just, c'mon. Go ahead.
Screw! Please.
- Screw? - Screw!
Fuck off. Did it.
Did you just tire of the words, "fuck off"?
Because I know you're not suggesting I let you fuck me again.
First of all, you're welcome.
If you'd like me to consider another "event"...
with you, you can ask me nicely.
And secondly, "fuck off" works just great if that's what you prefer.
Does that sound better to you?
Or does "screw" sound pretty nice?
- Alright? - We're doing great.
Okay.
Ooh, yeah.
- Do not look at me! - Okay.
Do not look at me!
You're fucking staring at me, you know.
It's kinda creepy.
Don't look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Don't look at me. I'll have to start again.
I understand.
- Faster! - Okay.
We could be here all night.
Build it up.
Climbing a mountain.
One foot in front of the other.
Now we're jogging.
Who wants to run?
DON'T LOOK AT ME! Do you want me to grab your balls?
Do you want me to stick my fingers in your asshole?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Don't look at me!
Ugh... Wow!
So, second time.
Shame on me.
Well I had a good time too. Thanks.
So if I need fresh towels in the morning...
I should just, put my name on this?
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- So whatever, yeah. - Bye.
You know, if you really had it all together...
you wouldn't be leaving your under...
Sorry to bother you, but the lady said you were still awake.
Would you mind helping me open this jar of pretzels?
Wow!
Small room.
Can you help me? I haven't had anything to eat all night.
I was studying my words all night...
but I missed room service hours...
and this jar is too hard for me to open.
Are you opening it now, or have you taken it?
Great.
Thanks.
I was also wondering if you wanted to be my friend?
Why would I want to be friends with a 9 year old?
Ten but... ok it's cool.
I just thought it would be fun to study together before tomorrow.
Drink soda pop from the mini-bar and stuff.
- You have a mini-bar in there? - I do.
What about mom and dad?
My dad believes I should learn how to be my own man.
And that means...
staying in my own hotel room myself this weekend.
So you're just staying in a different room down here, is it?
He's staying at a fancier hotel a few blocks away.
Nice guy.
It's kinda neat...
I get to jump on the bed as much as I want.
But tonight, I messed up and missed room service.
Have you named your binder?
Yes. Todd.
It has all the words I've ever memorized in them.
And their origins.
Todd's my key to success.
I think I've spent more hours with Todd than even my parents.
He's cool and he's smart and that's why I named him, Todd.
No, that makes sense.
Have you figured out your favorite word?
No I sure haven't.
Is it the "F" word?
It's up there.
Cause you say it a lot.
Everyone should.
Not me. My father says bad words.
What about your dad?
Never met him. But my mom said bad words, a lot.
But you can say bad words. Who gives a shit.
- I shouldn't. - Why not?
You just say what you feel, you know. That's a good effort. Why don't you try one.
I feel the opposite of bad wordy right now.
Will you just say something bad you fucking Quaker.
- Mother fucker!? - Great!
Perfect. That's a good one.
And did your soul burst into flames? No.
Nope.
I'm okay.
You're a little weirdo, you know that?
Hey. Hey.
It's morning.
You passed out last night and I was scared to wake you.
My dad will be here any minute. You should go.
Okay.
You sleep good, dick head?
[Jenny] So what do you want to know about this morning?
Nothing, unless it's really important.
You're going to be seated next to Braden Aftergood.
He comes from bee royalty.
- Consider me warned. - Good because he is awesome.
- Is he? - Yeah.
Is he a great speller?
Did I leave my underpants in your room last night?
Oh as a matter of fact. You... I don't know.
Would you look for me, please?
- I only brought three pairs. - I probably would have seen them, Jenny.
My room has no sink, shower or toilet.
Score one for Deagan.
And you can put me on the board too.
[Guy narrating] Obviously if I could figure out a way to be less stubborn...
the right way to fix things would be easier to see.
Window! Window! Right there!
Pretty impressive.
[Announcer in background] All right everybody... we've got 5 minutes.
[Usher] Press. Pick and Scroll.
[Bernice] Yeah, I understand all that.
Here's the randomized list for this round.
Do me a favor and enunciate this year.
Well...
look who's here.
Hook around your chair or something?
Good luck.
- [Usher] Hold on. - [Guy] I'm a contestant.
How you doing?
Guy.
Oh, look who's here. Hi.
Where's me? Is this me?
Excuse me.
Welcome everyone to the 111th annual Golden Quill national spelling bee.
I'm Pete Fowler coming to you live from historic Figeroa Auditorium...
here in sunny Los Angeles, California.
This year marks the first year that the Golden Quill...
has been nationally televised...
and we can think of no better captain for such a maiden voyage...
then the president of the Quill Institute itself...
welcome to your tournament, Professor William Bowman...
or should I say, Dr. Bowman.
That all depends on whether your sick or confused.
Otherwise, just Bill.
Well, let's get started shall we?
We have all 50 competitors in the room and we're ready to begin.
Our first competitor is Ling Quan.
Ling says that when she grows up she'd like to be president of the United States...
making it your 4th to reach the office, would it not?
It would. Best of luck, Ling.
Dactylogram.
Dactylogram?
Dactylogram.
Dactylogram?!
Dactylogram!
Can I have the definition, please.
A fingerprint.
Dactylogram.
May I have the origin, please.
From the Greek combination "Dactylo".
I'm Guy.
And your Braden, right, Braden Aftergood?
- I'm not supposed to talk to you. - [Ling in background] Dactylogram.
Why not?
Because my dad says you're probably just an unemployed bum...
trying to steal the prize money that I deserve.
And that you're a cheater.
[Ling in background] Dactylogram.
He said that, huh?
He did.
[Proctor] It is a noun.
[Ling] Dactylogram
Can you tell your dad that I don't blame him for being angry.
And then can you do me another favor?
Can you give these to your mother?
She left those in my room last night.
I would do it myself, but your dad?? his mood...
I don't want to kick the nest.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh buddy, good luck with that divorce, they get so nasty.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about probably a very dysfunctional marriage.
I'm glad I was there for her.
It's just animal instinct too you know.
[Ling in background] D-A-
She can't help it, she's just human, okay.
And she was very sweet. I want you to know that.
[Ling spelling in background]
She held me afterward. Nice woman.
- [Proctor] That is correct. - Hey!
You're up dog.
[Dr. Bowman] Brave, intelligent. You've got my vote.
Next up we have probably one of this years strongest competitors...
Braden Aftergood.
Oh that reminds me. My very first spelling bee...
I had my lucky bottle cap in my back pocket.
Looks like he's got his good luck hanky there.
Noctivagant.
I'm sorry, definition?
Going about in the night...
night wandering.
- Noctivagant. - [Proctor] Noctivagant.
Can you use it in a sentence?
The noctivagant alley cat...
kept the entire neighborhood up all night...
by sitting on a fence, yowling out to her many suitors.
Noctivagant.
N-O-C
T-I-V-I
G-A-N-T
Noctivagant.
God.
- [Pete] Well we have our first elimination... - [Guy] I'll be right back.
...of the tournament.
[Dr. Bowman] Yes and surprisingly early too.
[Pete] Next up is Mr. Guy Trilby. He's 40 years old, lives in Columbus, Ohio...
Now clearly Mr. Trilby has found a loophole in the rules of entry...
and is exploiting it.
Needless to say this is beyond unfortunate.
My staff and I are making all the efforts necessary to...
rectify the problem for the tournaments in the years that follow.
With that addressed, on with the competition and the man himself...
Guy Trilby.
My turn.
Frabjous.
F-R-A-B
J-O-U-S
That is correct.
- [Angry crowd murmuring] - [Bernice] Thank you. That's enough!
[Bernice] Listen! Listen!
We are doing all we can to find a happy resolution... to this situation.
[Angry parent] Aren't you embarrassed?!
This is gonna go down in history as the most...
ridiculous spelling bee ever...
and it's gonna be on your head. He's a grown man.
Do you know how much money I've spent on goddamn coaches.
- I'm sure it's a lot. - A ton!
He's a lunatic.
Yes he is.
So fix it or I swear on my childs life with God as my witness...
this will be the last year you're the director of this bee!
Alright. There's no need for threats.
Now if we can all just leave my office I can assure you...
this matter is in very capable hands.
Now keep in mind Mr. Trilby doesn't have the discipline and practice...
that all of your children have.
He's made it through the first round.
But Dr. Bowman and I are extremely confidant...
he's not going to make it much farther.
And I also swear on your children's lives...
if he makes it to the final round...
I'll step down as the director of the bee, immediately.
Good day!
I'll jump in the shower as soon as this buzz kicks in.
Let me ask you a question.
What's the grammatical significance...
of the sentence "why run from fire ants"?
Is this a test?
No. This isn't a que... uh...
I was wondering what the grammatical significance of that sentence was...
- "why run from fire ants" - Right.
Well, every vowels in there.
Starting with the "u" going to the "a".
Right, it's backwards.
I guess it's easy...
you know, for a sentence. I mean I wish there was...
one word that had all the vowels in it...
but in alphabetical order.
- "Facetious". - Son of a bitch!
- I got it? - You're brilliant.
- Give me another on. - You're a genius.
These questions are from the test they give the geniuses.
I got a hold of your school records, Guy Trilby.
Your 8th grade counselor made a note...
on your file just before you dropped out saying...
that you showed signs of being a genius.
FedEx was waiting for me when I got here.
I told you I was good.
Mr. Leavenworth. What a dick he was.
Told me I was a useless loser and then he makes secret notes saying...
that he thinks that I'm smart?!
Glad I stole his bike and shaved his cat.
You just never had a chance to shine in this school.
- You just never had a chance to realize... - Who didn't have a shitty upbringing.
My dad wasn't around. I mean it goes on and on and on.
Who skated through their adolescence?
- Where was your father? - I don't know.
You got something there. Where's your pen?
Or maybe he was brilliant. Maybe your mom was.
They say that sometimes a brilliance and photographic memory...
which you have are inherited.
Well it didn't come from mom. She hated everything to do with education.
This one time when I was a kid...
I tried to get into this local spelling bee ironically enough...
and she burnt my favorite dictionary.
Is that why your here?
A chance to do something you weren't able to do while she was alive?
Are we in interview mode, now, c'mon. I mean...
we can't just have a normal conversation without turning it into an interview.
- I'm a reporter. - That's a good point.
Can't you talk, too?
You know, you have problems, Guy Trilby.
You're a shrink too? A shrink on top of being a reporter?
I don't know how you crammed it all in.
You're the one with the problem.
You have to be blindfolded to get off. That's a problem.
Oh! Well don't worry about that, Guy...
cause that's never gonna happen again.
- Great. - Oh, yeah great.
You promise?
I wouldn't let you near my vagina again if you paid me a million dollars.
- [Jenny] Don't look at me! - Yeah [mumbles]...
Be quiet your voice eats hard-ons.
I'm sorry.
??
Okay... Ooh... Okay! You are sorry.
Now that's generous.
- We're okay? - Uh huh.
Hang on. This might be easier? Hold on, hold on, hold on...
- Now hold still. - That's easier, right?
Don't look at me. I get it.
I get it. Don't look at me!
Hey did you get locked out?
I was wondering if you wanted to grab some alimentation [food]...
for you hyperphagia [hunger]. I'm hungry.
Well I just got pretty hungry myself.
Sure, let's go for it.
I can't believe you can't find any other pre-masturbators to hang out with.
The place is crawling with them.
You know, you can actually study for this spelling bee anywhere.
Thank you. Is that right?
Try spelling "Rigatoni" without looking.
I don't want to. I don't need to study. You need to study.
Because I'm gonna slaughter you like the sacred cow.
Not everything is about winning.
Closure's pretty nice too.
To me it's about fun.
Well, you probably deserve a little bit better than that.
Excuse me, uh...
I'm the mother of one of the competitors competing here.
Okay.
What you're doing is an insult to every honest child...
that's worked so hard to be here.
Including my son.
I've worked very hard to get here too madam and I'm well within the rules.
You're an asshole. That's all.
- That's a child. - It is.
And I'm sure he's heard even worse from you.
I don't speak like that in front of him.
- Oh is that right. - Yes that's right!
So why don't you take your potty mouth...
go locate your pre-teen cocksucker son...
and stuff him back up that old...
blown out sweat sock of a vagina and scoot off to...
whatever shit kicking town you came from. Can you do that for me?
Like an elephants trunk I'll bet.
Gray and distended.
- Good night. - Good day.
Thank you.
Mothers!
Let's get out of this restaurant. It's a little depressing don't you think?
My dad doesn't ever allow me to leave the hotel.
Well daddies not here and he sounds like he could be an asshole so...
so let's not listen to him. Let's go find you some real fun.
Side door.
[Jeremy] Glad I was in town to catch your call.
You look really, really good.
I appreciate that. I've been staying away from sugar.
- Cold turkey. - Wow.
Do you feel as good as you look?
Are you happy?
How's federal agent life treating you?
You know it's not as fun as it used to be. Yeah.
I kind of miss you dinging around where you shouldn't be.
- Yes. Yeah. - There you go.
That's one background check on one Guy Trilby.
Is this for a story or something?
Something good?
Did you do this background yourself?
Of course I did. What kind of guy repays a favor by delegating.
I did it.
- This is incredible. Thank you, so much. - Yeah.
So, is that it?
Oh yeah, this is... huge.
That's a relief. This has been hanging over my head for years and...
I'm the kind of guy, I like to keep a debt free lifestyle.
- Oh well consider yourself... - Yeah.
...free and clear.
I just expected to have to do so much more you know?
It seems like it's not enough...
No!
Cause I mean, you saved my ass you know.
- My career. - Wow.
- I feel I'm getting off easy. - No!
You know. You did me a solid.
No we uh, we're square.
- You don't want anything more in return? - Uh uh.
You don't want anything...
solid...
in return.
No.
Are you familiar with the phrase "eatin and cheatin"
- Thanks so much. - It's a popular phrase.
[Guy] Aren't these guys incredible.
Was I right about the cherry?
Yeah but...
Well you might want to slow down a little bit Swami...
Looks like you got into the wrong dudes ass, here.
Hah! Funny!
You look like you're a person who pooped your underwear...
then you used it for a bank robber's mask.
And you??
And forgot to wash your face.
You shouldn't insult people. You're no good at it.
This soda pop is so delicious.
I'd just say "soda" otherwise you're gonna get raped.
I like having you as a friend.
Although, I'm not your friend.
You got friends. I'm like four times your age.
I really don't have any friends.
I thought being good in spelling would get me friends....
but kids just make fun of me more.
Well who needs them. You've got Todd, right?
And you too maybe, huh?
No. Buddy I work alone.
Always have. My mom always kept me running around with her, avoiding rent.
I never gathered a bunch of friends.
And it's fine, it's good. You'll be alright.
What's that?
I borrowed it when you borrowed the lobster.
Really.
Let me see it.
Your fingers get a little sticky when you get all boozed up.
Toys are fun to have when you can't play with other kids.
That's true.
What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?
Well I did love a little toy car once.
Kind of like this. It was a shitty little black and white police car.
Never left my pocket.
I lost it one night I think. I must have dropped it or something.
I never saw it again.
Had a little Kojak light right on top.
Right there. A little single bubble.
Chasing down bad guys.
Alright so you're a little thief...
and you don't have any friends.
Kind of like a real loser. Bet you crack ass though right?
You make up for it with the women?
No.
No girlfriend for you? You can't find one little...
chicken Tika that gets your shrimp can going all up in?
Nope.
But when I do get one, it's going to be a girl with nipples.
Is that right, well lucky for you they all have nipples, pal.
Every girl does not have nipples.
- They do. - No they don't.
- Buddy I promise you they do. - No they don't.
Alright. I don't know how I missed that.
You look at their shirts.
On some you can see the little nipples.
Poking through their shirts. On others, nothing.
Oh I see. I got it.
Buddy you're in bad shape.
You know what. I'm gonna do you a favor. C'mon.
Let's go. You done here?
- Where we going? - Just c'mon. Let's go.
My dad had been around it's something I wish he'd have done with me.
I hope it's not a workout.
- I hope it's a sundae. - Yeah, it's not.
A desert would follow that chili dog really well.
No ice-cream pal.
[Guy] Hey!
Slum-dog I want you to meet Marzipan. Marzipan, slum-dog.
Hi.
You said he was sixteen.
Yeah he is 16. He's got a hydro-thyroid retention problem.
Remember Gary Coleman?
God rest his sweet, funny soul.
Amen, okay, let's do this.
Chaiwalla, all I can say is your welcome.
For what?
Hit it!
3,4,5,6,7,8...
- 9... - Play it.
10.
Nice? Huh?
Good right?
- No tip. - No tip.
Asshole!
Well don't ask me for my last 10, Marzipan...
and then expect me to tip you. There's your tip.
Bye sweetie. Good luck with your glands and shit.
Thank you. Wasn't that good?!
I liked her.
I still have a couple of bucks. Do you wanna get the ice-cream now?
Fuck the ice-cream. I want to touch them.
I don't know.
Which way did she go. She turn right? Let's go ask her.
Marzipan!
[Guy] Well that might be true but...
I still think a person your age should be carrying...
at least a dollar in his pocket and if you had...
that would have been the difference.
You would have gotten yourself a little bit of skin.
But it was still the best time of my life.
Are we friends now?
Cool!
I'd like it if you could block out a little bit of private time for me...
after today's round.
If you don't mind.
You saying you want to come over and fuck off again?
No that's not what...
Wanna look for your underwear?
Just give me 10 minutes.
Guy.
I wanted to give you something before the round starts.
A little white-out and a Lego piece and you got your car back.
Thanks buddy.
But I'm still gonna totally bust your nut.
Ow. I don't think you need to say that.
- I do. - No, no.
- Say you're gonna kick my ass. - Okay.
- That! - Alright.
- See you there. - See you there.
You're a??
I don't know. Kids are weird.
Stand by in 5,4,3,2...
[Pete] Welcome America to round 2 of the Golden Quill national spelling bee.
It is a point where, sadly, many have already gone home.
But the fighting spirit remains for those who have survived.
And that number is 30. Thirty brave determined... [fades out]
Here are this rounds words.
Let's remember this competition is in English, not marble mouth!
[Proctor] Rhapsodize.
Rhapsodize
Rhapsodize.
- [contest continues in background] - Joyce.
I'm wondering if that's your...
It's like a hair-clip or something over there.
- Where? - Underneath that seat. Can you see it?
It's certainly not mine.
I just don't want you to lose something that might cost... there you go.
Give it a look.
[Guy narrating] My behavior was ridiculous at best.
I'm incredibly lucky I wasn't beaten to death by the parents...
- There's nothing down there. - Okay.
Or their children.
That's a big never mind now.
Okay I want you to get ready to get super happy.
We've got a celebration on our hands.
What are you talking about?
It seems that...
your friend...
has finally come to town.
- My what? - Yeah.
Somebody's a woman today.
I don't know what you're saying to me.
When you got up...
I saw...
your adulthood.
Adulthood?!
Congratulations. You must be vibrating. That's so exciting.
But you can celebrate later. Right now you've got a tournament to win...
you've got words to spell...
even though your situation might not be very camera friendly.
Screw them!
You get up there and you take this tournament. You take what's yours.
You have a long walk to make up there to excellence unfortunately...
it is all the way up there...
- [Proctor] That is correct. - [Pete] Next up is Joyce Sacks.
- [Proctor] She's from... - [Joyce] ??
I know, I know. God so many people watching...
and I don't have so much as a sweatshirt to give you...
but I don't so instead I want you to just keep thinking...
these are not light pants...
these are not light pants. You just keep saying that to yourself.
Competitor 1124.
That's you. These are not light pants.
Competitor 1124.
[Proctor] 1124.
Clearly we have a case of stage fright brewing in the back row.
[Joyce's mother] Sweetheart?!
- Sweetheart. - Momma I can't.
Oh baby girl.
- I can't do it. - I don't blame you.
Looks like a super heavy flow.
Competitor 1124, you must make your way to the microphone now...
or be disqualified.
Why don't you try and do like a hop scoot with your chair...
just grab both sides of it and you just kind of....
I can't do this.
[Guy] She's gone. There she goes.
She made it this far though.
[Pete] Clearly the pressure was just too much for her...
I hope she??
Yes well the tournament does create a natural selection does it not?
Pruning of the weak. Allowing the strong to blossom.
[Guy] So tough, it's tough.
Reach for the sky.
She'll be good.
Oh dear.
Is that my word? That's two words.
Um...
Is that my word or are you guessing at the "ums"?
What's going on?
Floccinaucinihilipilification.
[Announcer] Good gracious, that word is longer than most sentences.
Can you repeat it one more time, please.
Floccinaucini...
[Dr. Bowen] As a professor of linguistics...
I can tell you with the utmost confidence...
that a true orthographic enthusiast, wouldn't flinch at such a challenge.
F-L-O
C-C
I-N-A-U
C-I-N-I
H-I-L-I
P-I
L-I-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N
Correct!
Nougat.
N-O-U-G-A-T
Incriminate.
[Contest continues with some being eliminated]
[Proctor] Antidisestablishmentarianism
A-N-T-I [continues spelling correctly]
[Proctor] Correct.
[Contest continues]
Pertinacious.
P-E-R-T-I-N-A-C-I-O-U-S
Correct.
[Contest continues]
Immunoelectrophoresis.
I-M-M-U-N-O-E-L-E-C-T-R-O-P-H-O-R-E-S-I-S
That is correct.
[Bernice] Obviously I'm not going to resign, that would leave the bee...[fades]
[Crowd noise of angry parents]
[Bernice] Please, I know what I said.
[Crowd and Bernice indistinguishable]
[Bernice] Yes I'm the most qualified person in this position.
[Proctor] Pardon me.
Yes!
We just completed the standard competition review.
Guy Trilby didn't get those words by accident.
It appears...
the randomized word list was...
purposefully manipulated by you.
You tampered with this.
And I in good conscience cannot allow such an abuse of your position...
to go unnoticed.
And it didn't even stop him.
True, but that's not really the point now is it!
He may be unlikable but he's a contestant all the same.
And all contestants deserve a fair chance.
And it didn't even stop him. God damn it!
You're done.
Did I enunciate that clearly enough?
[Angry parents arguing indistinctly]
[Desk clerk] Mr. Trilby.
You have a message.
Thank you.
You have a duck pond, huh?
Did you want to see me, Dr. Bowman?
Yes I do Mr. Trilby.
You like ducks?
They're okay on a plate.
You know I uh, I got offered quite a bit...
when I was younger.
I stirred life’s cocktail very vigorously if you will.
I'd venture to say that more than once...
I found myself on the precipice of...
making a life altering mistake.
Each time...
with no parental guidance whatsoever...
I was able to carefully...
backup, turn around, walk away.
Here I am today...
I have peoples respect, I have their admiration.
I have control over one of the most respected institutions in the country.
Had I not been able to identify an approaching abyss...
I'd be in a very different position today.
Mr Trilby. I don't know, I don't even care...
why you've chosen to place yourself on this edge.
But I can assure you...
take one step further...
your life will become even more challenging...
than I'm sure it already is.
A nice threat.
Is that what that is?
It's a safe prediction.
Losers lose, Mr. Trilby.
And that's what I am huh?
Is that what I am, a loser?
Well I uh... if you...
quack like them and you walk like them...
where would you be?
That's cute.
Well just so you know, I didn't come here to lose.
And I'm not gonna.
In the game I'm playing I'm way ahead right now.
Whether you know it or not, so...
Thanks for the checkup.
Good, Guy!
Do you have a minute, cause I have that thing...
No.
- that I need to discuss with you. - Sorry.
I'm kinda done with today. I'm just gonna...
drop this gift off to the kid then I'm gonna hit the sack.
Aw you bought him a present?
Has the grinch found his Cindy Lou Hoo.
That's from Dr. Seuss.
I get it. No, this is just uh...
a little bit of porn and some ice-cream.
Ah, Santa would be proud.
Can I get in please?
C'mon get a drink with me.
No.
- This is important. - I'll bet it's not.
You know when somebody you're sleeping with says they'd like to speak with you...
the least you could do is fake it.
Well, what, did I just wake up ten years later...
are we married?
Please.
Don't flatter yourself. I had something important to talk to you about.
- Prick! - Sorry.
- Good night. - Little fucking prick.
[Chaitanya's dad muffled talking]
[Chaitanya] Dad, it's not fair.
He took me around to see the sites last night.
Something that you've never done by the way.
Chaita, stay focused.
This man is your enemy.
Keep him close, but don't forget that.
Remember Donnie Brasco. Do you want to win?
Do you?!
Yes.
Then keep him best friends...
so that he can't bear to beat you.
Dad I know the plan.
Hey!
Hey.
You're pretending to be my friend just to try to win?!
What? No, no!
No, no? I just heard you and your dad talking just outside the door there.
Let's all relax.
Eat shit buddy. I'll hit you in the face, okay.
You little fuck. I can't believe I was your goddamn mark.
It was my dad's idea, okay.
No way, it wasn't. You're a little liar.
- He thought you were the biggest threat. - Great.
- And you were. - Yep.
Dad I really like him.
You make me sick, you know that.
I'm not doing the plan anymore. I'm just being friends.
- Because we are now. - No we're not.
I didn't know we would be.
Really? I thought winning wasn't everything.
It isn't everything, not now.
Sure sounds like it. You're a liar.
Guy, you showed me my first boobs.
- What did he say? - Another lie.
He's a lying machine.
Guy please!
Please what?
My dad will be so disappointed in me if I lose.
I don't want that.
Well tough shit.
I guess you're just gonna have to try and beat me now, huh.
And you can have this back.
Hello?
Hi Chaitanya this is Ingrid at the front desk...
your father just called to say he's driving by...
and if you can be in the lobby in one minute, he'll take you for ice-cream.
Really?
GUY!!!
[On phone] Los Angeles 911.
Hello?
- Is this an emergency? - Yes this is an emergency.
What is the nature of your emergency?
Please send the police to the Sportsmen's Lodge hotel right away.
What's the problem?
I just saw a man drag a teenager into his room.
And she was screaming for help.
But as soon as the door shut, the screaming suddenly stopped.
LAPD, open up!
What are you trying to do to me you little bitch.
He's still got her in there.
Open up now!
Hold your tits.
I'm coming.
Shit, get in there now! Break the door.
[Guy] Ow!
Little bastard!
Well at least they didn't press charges.
I'll be pressing the fucking charges. It almost broke my goddamn face.
Guy I've gotta talk to you about something.
I don't care how much of an asshole you are to me...
I'm getting it said right now.
I've been doing some digging... would you stop walking for one second!
Jesus Christ I'm kind of all you have.
We can't walk and talk!
What's wrong?
I found out who your father is.
Oh, okay.
Good for you.
I guess you're not as bad a reporter as I thought you were.
Took you a while though, don't you think?
It was right there.
So that's what you're up to?
Yep.
Couple months ago the day my mom died she finally told me who he was...
and where he was and...
and um...
Just pissed me off, obviously, so...
Here I am.
He was just a traveling encyclopedia salesman and...
she was a waitress...
at a diner. And they...
She got pregnant and she told him and he took off.
That's it he never returned?
Nope.
- He never called? - Nothing.
So he has no idea who you are!?
He has no clue. But he will.
As soon as I'm done embarrassing him and his precious spelling bee, Bill Bowman...
will never forget who I am.
And I think that is just the bare minimum...
that a son can expect from his father, don't you?
Well, good digging.
- Did you park up here? - Uh huh.
[Pete] Dr. Bowman, I know that Director Deagans resignation...
was as difficult for you as it was for her. Your thoughts?
She served this tournament well for many years.
It's a tragedy that the frayed integrity of this year's tournament...
has touched her post as well.
I hope we can finish up now without anymore casualties.
Profoundly stated.
Now, let's begin this, the final round.
Ten competitors remain...
First up. Eric Tai from Sorwood Wisconsin.
I'm gonna bust your nut.
I'm gonna fucking end you.
Inchoate.
Can I have the definition please.
Not yet completely or fully developed. [Continues in background]
[Guy Narrating] The closer I got to the end...
the more I thought about the goal
and the more I thought about the win.
[Contestant] I-N-C-H-O-A-T-E. Inchoate.
That is correct.
[Pete] And once again Chaitanya Chopra approaches the microphone.
He was here last year and hopes to bring it all the way to the finish line this year.
Well he has company on that hope.
[Proctor] Tmesis.
Definition?
In grammar and rhetoric, the separation of the parts of a compound word...
now generally done for humorous effect...
for example "abso-bloody-lutely".
Is the origin from the Greek "a cutting"?
Yes.
Tmesis.
T-
M-E-S-I-S Tmesis.
That is correct.
[Proctor] Quiet in the audience.
[Pete] Mr. Trilby has certainly received his fair share of booing...
at this year's tournament.
- Yes another of this years firsts. - [Proctor] Thank you. Continuing...
Slubberdegullion.
- Slubberdegullion? - Slubberdegullion!
- [Eric's mother] Perfect! - [Guy] S...
I know the definition of that.
A dirty, wretched slob.
Just like you sir.
- Was I supposed to hear that? - Yes, you were.
- Cause that's what you are. - [Proctor] Madam, please.
Or I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
You're gonna have to ask me to leave?!
I think you should ask him to leave, huh?!
- [Guy] Take it easy. - [Announcer] Gentlemen, please.
- You're telling me to take it easy?! - Yeah, we're trying to have a spelling bee.
- Okay you're here come the cops. - Ma’am, please.
No, no, no. He called my baby boy a "cock sucker"...
and I will not repeat what he said to me about my vagina.
Ma’am now say goodbye.
Nope, I'm not going. You'll have to carry me out.
Nope I'm gonna just sit here.
I'm gonna stay here and you're gonna have to work for it you cock suckers.
Because I have a beautiful, young, fully elasticized vagina.
?? cock sucker
Don't take me, take him!
Well here's hoping that the guys on the truck found the 7 second button.
[Audience chanting] Take him out!
[Dr. Bowman] That's enough! That is enough!
This is the Golden Quill spelling bee.
You're on television!
In millions of homes!
Show some respect for the tournament.
And for me!
I believe the word was Slubberdegullion.
[Proctor] That's correct. Slubberdegullion.
S-L-U-B-B-E-R
D-E-G-U-L-L-I-O-N
That is correct.
[Guy Narrating] With the humiliation part taken care of...
and the favorite child all but killed...
Maybe I already had my win.
[Pete]...Eric Tai.
- [Proctor] Kophobia. - Kophobia.
Can I have the definition, please.
Fear of exhaustion...
otherwise known as "Lexicographer's Curse".
Is it derived from the Greek "kopo" meaning fatigue?
[Proctor] Yes.
K-O-P-O-P-O-B-I-A
[Eric] No!
Oh my. Eric knew that he left out the "H".
It's been a long day and clearly it's taken it's toll on Eric.
Well, well. I think you're gonna like this!
We're on the verge of history here with 40 year old Guy Trilby...
in the final two.
[Proctor] Parisology.
P-A-R-I
S-O-L-O
G
I-E
[Pete] Goodness me. What a dramatic turn of events here.
[Dr. Bowman] Yes. Yes indeed!
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Quiet!
The rules dictate, thank you, quiet please...
The rules dictate that because he's one of the final two...
he remains on stage until his opponent correctly spells the next word.
I'm finished here. You take it, it's all yours.
[Proctor] Contestant 157.
Mr. Chopra, you are one word away from being the new Golden Quill champion.
Infinitesimally.
Can I have the definition?
Yes. Exceedingly small.
Infinitesimally.
I-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-S-I-M-A-L...
Y
Oh no. Hey!
- [Pete] Oh my. - I can't believe it.
[Dr. Bowman] Not again.
[Dr. Bowman] I don't believe it.
What are you doing?
If you think everything I said was a lie...
then I'll prove that it wasn't.
- It's not about winning here... - No, no, no, no.
- I don't give a shit about that. - It's about my friend.
And I don't care about that either, with all due respect...
very nice of you, very sweet...
but I'm not here for that and I'm not here for the fucking trophy or a check.
- or these idiots, c'mon. - I hurt your feelings...
- And I wasn't a good friend, I'm sorry. - You know what, pal we're good.
Okay, next.
Rugose.
R-U-G-O-S
Ding it. I'm finished! Let's go.
You're wasting my fucking time, c'mon.
[Proctor] Pejorative.
P-E-J-O-R-A-T-E-V-E Pejorative.
[Pete] Seems as though they're misspelling the words on purpose.
Can you just spell the fucking words!
That's all you gotta do and you got the tournament.
Same with you.
Chailanta get your shit together you dumb dick!
Fuck you, Guy!
Nice, great.
Dad you got a real prince here.
Yeah he's a liar and he's swearing. That's a good combo. Sweet.
One more word please.
I did... not... lie! Got it?!
I say that you did, got it!
[Pete] Okay. This has turned ugly.
You can add "violent" to the list.
Your boy Gandhi would be real proud.
And by the way, I was born...
in Cleveland...
Ohio!
[TV Spot] ...your voice, we share your mind.
We show you extraordinary programs, with extraordinary...
[Judges conferring inaudibly]
[TV Spot] for 200 million...
[Pete] I really don't know what to say, America.
Dr. Bowman is conferring with the judges...
...addressing the audience.
[Dr. Bowman] Ladies and gentlemen...
boys and girls...
those of you at home, and in attendance.
I would like to extend my deepest apologies for...
what has devolved into an embarrassment...
in this years competition.
The Golden Quill has always enjoyed a...
an immaculate reputation of respectful...
challenging and um, dignified behavior.
Until now...
Well hopefully the end is near. Gentlemen!
Gentlemen, it has been decided that neither of you will be disqualified...
because it appears...
it appears that both of you...
have conducted yourselves equally...
in a shameful manner.
So let's get on with this contest and finish it.
I'm gonna ask the audience, please remain silent.
Thank you.
- And continuing... - Yep, my turn.
Unguent.
Unguent? A-N-G-U-E-N-T
Ding it!
I can do this all night.
Go ahead.
Please. Very carefully consider the word...
Callithump.
- C-A-L... - Chaitan!
Please don't do this to us.
C-A-L
It's the easiest word of the night. It's C-A-L-I-T-H-U-M-P
It's simple idiot.
No you're the idiot. You forgot an "L".
Alright. That's it!
That's all! You tried to help a fellow competitor cheat.
That is against the rules.
Sir, you are disqualified!
Doesn't matter.
I misspelled it...
he corrected me.
[Proctor] Which means...
even though you tried to help him cheat...
he wasn't cheating...
and ended up, technically spelling the word correctly on his own.
So, he is the new champion!
- [Announcer] Correct. - [Chaitanya] No, Guy!
Guy, you tricked me.
No, Guy!
Chaiwalla go hug your chai-papa.
No that's not fair!
[Dr. Bowman] Here's your trophy Chaitanya, congratulations.
Guy!
And here's your check for fifty thousand dollars.
- I guess that worked, huh. - [Announcer] Chaitanya, you are our...
new champion, how does that feel?
[Chaitanya] I don't consider myself a champion...
I consider myself a co-champion with Guy.
Guy!
It was totally unfair to disqualify you.
This is yours too. You let me win.
And I wanna give you half.
Plus, we'll split things.
Right?
[Guy narrating] I don't know if I should have done things differently.
Like I said, I'm not good at a lot of things.
Maybe there should have been a screaming match.
Or fight.
Maybe some tears.
But I guess I just wanna move on.
And let you do the same.
What's done is done.
I can't change what happened.
All I can do...
all I wanna do...
Is leave you with this apology.
This note.
Which started with me telling you my feelings were hurt.
What the hell can you possibly write...
that I would be interested in reading!?
There was a bit in there about me being your son.
[Guy narrating] And as much as I'd like to hurt your feelings...
and call you names...
they're just words...
and it wouldn't change a thing.
That's not what this note was for.
Hopefully it has explained why I did what I did.
And maybe even have you understand.
If not, that's fine.
Yours literally...
Guy Trilby.
- Hey spelling nerd. - Yes?
- Can you spell "douche bag"? - Of course.
- How do you spell "pick up your books"? - That's a sentence!
Hey slum-dog.
Wow!
Right! Get over here!
Where'd you get this?
I got this old police car at an auction...
with my half of your winnings. So thank you very much.
You got me two cars in one month. You're a nice guy.
Now to pay you back...
how about we go chase some bad guys.
Love too!
We're coming to get you!
[Chaitanya] Get the bad guys!
Subtitles by JoeShmoe.